Good Morning

This is one of the rare mornings I woke up early without the aid of an alarm. I clocked out at about midnight and woke up at 7 am this morning. That's a good solid 7 hours that I needed. Yesterday was a bit chaotic. I woke up a bit late (10 am) and I had to make sure I packed and loaded my car with my belongings. I finally left my parent's house and got on the road before noon. I figured I'd take an alternate route and view a different scenery. That added an hour of delay, because of road work and one lane roads. I made it through and just when I thought I was safe... I was on the LA highway and I just nearly missed being in an accident. The car to the left of me was speeding and trying to cut through cars. I anticipate everything and I saw that traffic was coming to a halt ahead of us. The car to my left didn't see it and ended up swerving to the carpool lane to avoid the car in front of it. The car behind that ended up swerving and nicked the back of my car. When I looked through my side view mirror, the car that went into the car pool lane actually slammed into the center divider. I hope no one was severely injured, but it didn't look great. I didn't see the damage to my car until I reached my apartment. It wasn't bad, but I called up my insurance to file the proper claims and have it checked out.

Ahhhh... yes, it is a good morning. My back is starting to loosen up (I've been dealing with mid-back pain this past weekend) and I have a busy week to get through. So it's a new change of scene again and a change of pace. Trying to soak everything in.

Confidence is Key

During my stay here, back home, I've gone through all these inner-personal struggles. I arrived here with the idea of needing a certain "change of scene". I can recall feeling cramped for space (whether it was physical or mental space). I went through, what I can only recall as, another round of a quarter-life crisis. I was freaking out about my age, my thinning hair, insecurities about my body image and comparing myself to others.

I started doubting myself, worrying about my career, and having a hard time explaining (even to myself) to people back home what it was that I actually did. I faced a few social situations and I admit I focused on the negative outcomes and/or negative assumptions. However, I will say that I was successful in facing these events. I was successful in exposing myself to the environment and pushing myself to an extent. I was faced with a "fading" sense of confidence and a near breakdown.

I wrote about my experiences almost daily, but couldn't put things together or find insight until recently. It took awhile to put things into perspective, but I did with the help of my two closest friends.

There were many things I got out of my coffee shop conversations, but I think a few are key. At one point I was the "adored" kid, because I stayed out of trouble, got an education, and eventually a career. Now, I'm more of the "Why don't you have a girlfriend, Why aren't you married, Why don't you have kids, and Why don't you have a home?" adult. The statement above being a big contributing factor, if not the root, to my current anxieties... I finally get that many things affect how we feel and how going through different stages (age, life, experience) contribute to that. Simple or clear as it might sound, I couldn't grasp that idea until I was in the midst of the storm.

So where am I going with this? Well it wasn't until recently that I stumbled upon a blog. Finding new reading material or something you click with helps inspire and steer your senses. Even though the blog site is old an no longer updated, I read most of the early writings and found a lot of insight from it. What I got from the reading, is that the entire-whole experience I've had so far back home... It's starting to make sense to me. Writing about my "awakened" panic and social anxiety attacks might have not made any sense a week ago, but I feel like it does now. From everything that I've encountered, I seem to have this idea/notion that it's my "lack of confidence". Maybe it's the way I use my words or the term, because in simplicity it all comes back to social anxieties and the struggle with "myself".

After being comfortable, confident, and breaking no sweat while talking with people and running errands around town. It was a humbling experience when I felt that shot of panic and anxiety at my nieces baby shower. It was a humbling experience when I broke out in sweat and had a rise in anxiety when I attended a house viewing of a boxing match. It was a humbling experience when I suddenly felt a rise in low self-esteem when I picked up lunch. I was humbled, when my mom witnessed me breaking into sweat while I was getting my measurements taken at a Mens Wearhouse Store (for a groomsmen's tuxedo). Simply, repetitiously, and very accepting of this... I was humbled.

I get it. Or I can understand parts of it. The feelings of this "happening" seem to stem from my, as I've mentioned, "lack of confidence". Yes, I do understand how simple and easy of an explanation that sounds. A simple solution could be simply given as well: Grow a pair of balls and do something about it. There's your confidence!"

Maybe I'm just realizing this now. Or maybe my attention towards it isn't always there, but I've always had a sense of "confidence". Maybe I paid it no attention, or brushed it over. It's never been consistent or constant. Different life stages, age, and experiences will continue to influence and/or intimidate my confidence, but I know I can gradually build it up. If I look back at, what I feel are, my failures... I can see that it can take many steps to build that confidence and only one short mis-step for it to crumble. However, I do have the tools to rebuild, reshape, and re-invent myself.

With that being said... I do, and I genuinely feel "it" at the moment, have this sense of confidence within myself. Cool, Calm, and Collect.

Keeping At It

I haven't written as often as I'd like on here, but I'm keeping at it. I still write (via personal journal), just unmotivated to post anything here.

I've been doing great with my healthy eating habits (with occasional binges) and workouts. I have a pattern of working out and having a big workout at the end of the week, which eventually leads me to crash and be open to eating unhealthy. Today was a continuation of that, but I needed to nip it in the bud. After eating creme sandwich cookies, lemon flavored cream crackers, and other pastries... I made myself workout. Anything. Something. Just for 20 minutes, to get things going. I ended up working out for an hour, mainly doing resistance workouts with a little interval cardio mixed in between.

I've also been consistent with taking supplements (vitamins, fish oil, complex b vitamins) which help my caffeine-induced-panic-sweat attacks. I've been having that under control.

So... at the moment, I'm doing good and I'm keeping at it.