Quick Rant #1

I started to rearrange and clean my room. It went from messy to disaster zone real quick.

Being in the "Bad" part of a Cycle

Original thoughts written Friday, December 3rd, 2010.

Last night, and pretty much this whole week, I've been in a real stinker. I'm back to being on that crappy end of the cycle. Whether it's through writing, blogging, or producing video's of my experiences, it seems as if I always have a smile on my face or that I'm able to view the positive aspects of a bleak area. Why is it different now and why does it seem as if I've succumb into feeling down. I'm sure it's a combination of many things, but how can I be sure about that? One thing is for sure, feeling down in the dumps is still a horrible feeling. 

Last night I was going to write about the cluster*fcuk of a mess that's in my head. I wanted to tap into what I was feeling. After taking a hot shower, I allowed distractions to take place instead of my planned writing. While sitting in my chair, I numbingly started to think about my life: Where am I heading? What am I doing about it? Why am I not doing anything about it?  I blankly stared at the monitor and I started to ask myself, "Am I depressed?" I had a hard time asking this, because of the implication the word possesses. I can flow with feeling down and handle down in the dumps, but being depressed suddenly feels all too serious.

It's obvious to me that I'm in this on going cycle. Most days I am able to handle it better.  Somedays I have such a great and positive outlook, but on off days my mind just poops on me. It is hard for me to admit this, but I have been feeling a bit depressed. I have been feeling unmotivated and a bit dejected. I've been having this feeling of hopelessness. The more I think about it, the more I try avoiding the subject.

I recently cut back, trying to cut out, on caffeine again and started to watch my sugar and artificial sweetener intake. Weird as it is to say, but this is my chemical dependency. I make it sound like a drug addiction, but in some ways it is. Caffeine and sugar can be as addictive as any other illegal narcotic if abused.

I finally got myself to go running last night and I can tell that my physical fitness isn't at the same place as it was a month ago. After staying a whole week at my parents house and coming back home to my apartment, there's this feeling of what am I going to do now? Now that the half-marathon I did is over, I'm not as motivated to workout or inclined to do anything productive. When I take these factors into play, I can see why I feel a bit depressed.

I think about my current living situation. I wonder if I'll ever be able to live on my own. When I think about that, it brings up the idea of working. I work as a freelancer right now, but it would mean I need to work harder as a freelancer or find a good company I can work for. I start to think about all the things it would take to live on my own. Would I be able to handle it? Would I be able to take care of everything? Then I start to think about where I'm living now. I don't live with my parents (not that there's anything wrong with that), but I live with family members (sister and brother-in-law). In the past, I've always lived with roommates as well. Living on my own would be a different experience, but how would I handle it?

Then I also think about the "anxiety" aspect of it. How would I handle living alone and all the "face-to-face" conversations I'd have to have with people. Interviews with a job, searching and applying for apartments. There's so much a person has to do and I've been through it before, but how would anxiety come into play for me this time around?

After thinking about that, I started to think about my current daily activities. That started to depress me. I haven't felt productive at all this week. There were moments where I tried to get things going, but I would just end up being so unmotivated. I don't know. I just feel "blah" most of the times. I go to bed really late. I'll wake up with the feelings of Am I restarting the same unproductive day again? and I end up doing the same thing I did the previous day.

It doesn't help that I went back and activated my FaceBook account. Looking at my account can be depressing too. I don't post much status updates as I use to. However, I do get caught in this whole battle with "comparing" myself to others. I just see friends with there status updates and it comes off as if they're having this more than normal life. They're at least going out doing stuff and it does make me feel inadequate. Rationally I need to focus on myself rather than others, but there are times you just can't help but compare your life to others. It is a trap that everyone falls into and I have fallen prey to it.

Emotionally, physically, and mentally.... that's where I've been or maybe still at. This has been my whole week. I'll snap out of it, I'm sure, but I'm not helping the problem if I keep dwelling on it and participating in the same events over and over. I've started to make small changes in my routine and writing this out has been a process in itself. Even though I haven't done anything productive work-wise, this makes me feel productive with my personal development.

There are so many thoughts and feelings that I process. Most of the time I'm trying to avoid the process by distracting myself with other numbing activities. I end up with no rational answers, because I avoid my irrigational processing.

Time to do something, time to get grinding, and time to start living.

5 Minute Freewriting #9

I'm about to head out on a run tonight. It's been nearly a week or maybe 2 weeks since I've really done a regular running routine. I need to get out, but I've been lazy and I've allowed the colder weather to convince me.

I don't know where my head has been at the last couple of days. I wasn't necessarily looking for distractions to distract me. I just got hit with a really realy really really really really lazy mindset. I would lay on the couch or in my chair for hours just not really thinking or pushing myself. I would get  small burst of "ideas" of things I can do, but then once I would actually try to do it... I would get detoured and rather do nothing.

My eyes started to hurt a lot yesterday. At first, I thought it was because of the diet plan I'm restarting. I started off with a "fruit" cleanse where I only ate fruit for lunch and dinner. It made me a bit light headed and then I finally realized I also went without coffee or any sort of caffeine, which I believe my body has become use to in the last 2 weeks I've been drinking coffee. I got over that hump and I haven't had any headaches this morning. I decided to also blog or write about my health & fitness journey. Maybe it will help me or help me deal with the frustrations I've come across in past fitness experiences. I did an official weigh-in and body measurements and everything. Weigh-in's freak me out because my weight can fluctuate plus or minus 5 pounds within a week. Body measurements are more consistent, yet I tend to .....